Not really sure...

I have absolutely no idea what is going to fall out of my head tonight so please consider yourself warned.  One of the things that has been on my mind A LOT lately is that it seems strange to me to be growing at 35.  Looking back at times when I thought I was a grown-up and set in my ways, I was obviously wrong but still, I am surprised.  In my work life, I have almost become the person that I want to be.  I am leading a couple of giant initiatives and since my friend just quit, I am now taking over the monthly budget summaries for the transfer agent.  Everything is a lot of fun, as far as things I can do at work fun, and outside of the couple of annoying things that will likely never change, I think I am happy.  I have learned how to use my role to be more of a consulting role which benefits me greatly since I am not emotionally vested in the projects.  I have learned to find my voice in almost every group and also how to stand up for myself, regardless of the title that may be the offender.  I have learned to let go of the competitveness (ok, probably not so much "let go" as tone it down into a normal range) and have gotten a lot of positive feedback from my teammates about how much they enjoy me teaching them new skills so they can do new tasks.  I have also learned that there are just some people that are toxic and dangerous and it is okay to not be involved in their drama.  Overall, I think it is safe to say that work is going well.  As long as I can meet all my deadlines in the next 30 days, all is well.  No pressure.
I have also been amazed at how much I have grown outside of work.  I figured that I would change after the divorce.  I knew there were parts of me that I wasn't happy with and I had hoped that I would be able to change those things.  But there have also been things that I didn't even realize needed to be changed until I looked back and saw how far I had come.  It has been a year since we split up and when I think about where I was then compared to now, I am proud of myself.  I have a lot of moments where I wonder how things are going to turn out in this life but in almost every version that I can come up with, my daughter and I are just fine.  That is a reassuring thought.  Some things I have learned over the last year:

• How to make a meal that is the right portion size for one grown-up and one toddler.
• How to talk myself out of a negative spot and address and issue head on.
• That nothing bad is going to happen if my walls are not painted perfectly and if someone doesn't like it, they can lose the privilege of coming over to my house and seeing them.
• I don't have to put up with crap.  From anyone. 
• I have the right to make my own decisions and I need to use that right.
• I do not have to make anyone happy other than my daughter and myself.  And the dog.
• Realizing that I am happy with who I am sets an entirely new tone for my life. 
• How strange it is at times to see my daughter walking around the house and knowing that she has my heart.
• How to forgive myself and move forward.
• How to be at peace with my decisions, even if they turn out to be less than the best ones.
• The world is not going to end if my house isn't spotless at the end of the day.
• I am strong.  I can do this.  At times it will suck, maybe suck a lot, but I can do this.

I don't feel like I said what I thought I was going to say when I decided to start writing earlier but I am tired now so I must have gotten something out of my head that needed to get out.  Last night I had a dream where everything I wanted (in my immediate world) came true.  Hoping for similar amazing dreams tonight.  :)