Catching up

While Alexis is finishing her Backyardigans movie, I am going to take a few minutes to catch up.  Hopefully I will get out pictures on tonight.  The last few weeks have been kind of crazy for us.  Work has been kind of busy and while I am finally getting to work on stuff I want to do, I have realized that this is not a position that I will have a career in.  I have been exploring areas that I really want to go into but it is hard to take a leap of faith with a career when I have a 2 year old counting on me to make her world okay, if not amazing, and I have a mortgage that I have to pay on my own.  My company is a good organization, it is stable even with the crazy markets and I have great benefits, with everything from health care to flexible schedules.  I just know that everything will change if I switch jobs and I am not sure how willing I am to take on such a big change.  I just know that it is closely becoming time to move on.
As for the rest of life..... Alexis just turned 2!  I can still remember being in the hospital for that ridiculously long day and the exact moment when I heard her cry for the first time.  I am still amazed at the feeling of love I have when I look at her. I love spending time with her and seeing the new things she learns every day. 
I have begun to embrace being a homeowner and have kept up on the painting, cut down a tree in the backyard with my very own chainsaw, and a few other projects that I am trying on my own.   I still have moments where I feel like owning a house by myself is super sucky but then I sit on the deck while Alexis is playing outside and I know that this is where I am meant to be.
As my birthday rolled around this year, I realized that I am getting old.  Not bad old, just grown-up old.  I don't have some horrible fear of growing older, it is just a strange feeling to realize that I am a grown-up.  I have also been faced with the realization that I may never have a chance to have another baby.  I know that most people understand how precious the gift of a child is but for a few of us that have faced infertility and had to wrap our brains around the fact that we may never actually have a baby, the gift of being able to carry a baby for a healthy pregnancy and hold this tiny gift in your arms is almost mindblowing.    (Of course at this moment, my gift has brought her step stoll down from upstairs for the first time and is now moving it along the kitchen counters saying "Look, I can reach mommy!!!"  Crap.)  Now relocated in the kitchen to supervise, I will continue.  I never wanted Alexis to be an only child.  I love having a brother and a sister.  I wonder how her life will be without that sibling to turn to when a parent just isn't enough.  I know her dad may have kids with someone else or either one of us could find someone that has their own children but it is just isnt the same.  It isn't what was supposed to happen in the version of life I thought I had.  I guess that is my downfall- sometimes I am just mad that my life didn't turn out the way I thought it was going to.  I am happier now and I know that I am a better mom for Alexis but sometimes being a single parent just sucks.  That is all on that.
I am dog sitting a friend's dog for 10 days.  He is the best dog, aside from the surprises he seems to be leaving for me, and him and Emma are almost getting along.  While this is going to be a very long 10 days, I am thankful that I offered to take him as I have realized that I do not want to get a second dog.  If I am this stressed with such a good puppy (he doesn't bark, he is great with Alexis and he is pretty calm), there is no way I can do it with a less than good puppy.  I have started having potty conversations with Alexis and she has gone a few times on the potty but I am still cleaning the carpet at least one time a week while we are learning how to do this potty training stuff.  There is absolutely no way that I want to housebreak a puppy at the same time I am trying do this with her.  I think that might be something that is part of the "Unanswered Prayers" song with Garth Brooks.  :)
Apparently I have a hard time just existing.  I keep thinking I need to get my PhD so I can do the online teaching thing for a second job.  I keep thinking about starting to date again.  I want to redo a bunch of things in the house.  What I am not good at is sitting and just being.  I am one of those people that likes songs to relate to when I am going through different things.  I had songs for breakups that I could play and eventually started making me feel better.  I had a song that I would sing when I was stressed while waiting tables.  For this point in my life, I listen to "You're Going to Miss This" by Trace Adkins.  It helps me remember to focus on this time in my life and njoy the simplicity (most of the time) of this time in my life.  My life really is pretty good.  Sometimes I need help to remember to be where I am and not trying to get to where I think I should be.  When I have those moments of clarity, I feel a little guilty about being so happy.  I have an amazing daughter, I have a great family, I have wonderful people in Colorado that are willing to help me with anything I need, and I have started rebuilding friendships that got lost along the way.  I am blessed.
That's all for now, time for lunch :)  (Hmmmm... I seem to have diverted from my original topic of the post.  Guess there will be more catching up when I post pictures!)