Sometimes I have been jealous of people that "accidentally" get pregnant. (I use quotes because I think accident is an innappropriate term since we all know how babies are made and how to not make babies but that is a standard term so I use it begrudgingly.) Some people just learn at 6-8 weeks that they have created life and then move forward. For others, it is just not that simple. For these people, there is no accident. There is a lot of planning, a lot of hope, a lot of heartbreak, and a lot of stuff people who have not been through the journey can just not understand. There are doctor appointments on top of doctor appointments, conversations about bodily functions that become so routine sometimes they forget that not everyone talks about these things. There are procedures that happen that are only tolerable because of the hope of having a tiny little person. There are tears that only a few people closest to you can see and then there are the tears that no one ever sees. There is the hope that never dwindles no matter how many times it gets stomped on, twisted, squished, and thrown in your face. There is a loneliness that only people that have been through infertility can understand. You don't want to talk about it because you get that look of pity or people want updates each month. It is just easier to deal with it privately than deal with it in front of others. Your life becomes so different than what it had been prior to knowing what you now know. So you figure out this new life. For me it was taking a year off all the talking and planning and focusing on getting myself in a better place. I lost weight and got in a much more positive place. No matter what though, in the back of my head, I knew it all had a purpose.
And then, the day happened where the magic stick finally said "pregnant". Life changes. All of a sudden, nothing matters except getting to 12 weeks. The downside of the planning and thinking means that it takes a lot longer to get to twelve than it does when you don't start counting so early. Every moment is spent thinking and wishing and hoping to make it to 12 weeks. And finally that day comes and the goal is extended. Every drink, every bite, every pill to keep my blood pressure in check, every moment is spent thinking about this new life (and yes, so there is no confusion, I am one of those people that believes life begins at conception). And then for us, the doctor office calls and says they accidentally did an extra test and it could be bad so its time to see a specialist. Now time is measured not only in baby weeks but also doctor visits. There are regular visits, specialist visit, lab visits, and lot of needles. The time in between the visits is spent thinking about all the possibilities and wondering what life will be like when the little one finally gets here.
Finally the halfway point comes. The time to meet the little girl is getting closer! The appointments are becoming routine, the flutters/kicks/hiccups make it all feel okay and life becomes manageable. A couple months later, one "routine" appointment lands you in labor and delivery way too early. A horrible feeling overtakes life and the thinking and wishing increases. Finally, the medicine works and you get to go home. Of course that means bed rest or house arrest depending on how you look at it. Life becomes a different counting game. Now the magic number is 36. Just get to 36 weeks. Doctor appointments are 2-3 times a week. To make life exciting, I sneak in a trip to Home Depot or the grocery store. At 36 weeks, the medicine is stopped and then it is just time to wait for labor. And then time to wait for an induction date. And then time to wait for labor. And then time to wait for the baby to come. And then life gets serious when the c-section is added to the picture. And then a new life begins.
Now life is all about feedings and diapers and pain pills and counting days and weeks. My life becomes focused on feeding and pumping and eating and drinking and sleeping. The little baby grows. Life changes but every day is still spent with her. Watching every moment as she learns and grows. And then the rest of life happens. All of a sudden everything you thought you knew changes.
At that moment, my life became something different. I spent a night away from my daughter while she stayed at her dad's for the first night. I cried the morning I dropped her off but I did okay that night. And the next day, I hugged her and life was good again. A new routine develops and each week, I got through that night focusing on the next day. And life keeps changing. One year into this new life, life changes again. And so begins a new life. A new life with more nights away. A new life where I need to find me. A new chance to start fresh. I survived the first week.
In this new life, I need to embrace my mommy time and embrace my Melissa time. I need to remember that this is good for her. I need to remember that she knows I love her even when she doesn't see me. I need to remember that she is not a baby. I need to remember to try new things. I need to remember that a happy Melissa makes a happy mommy. I need to learn how to sleep when she is not at home with me. I need to remember to be thankful she has a daddy who wants time with her. I need to take time to find me. Time to work on relationships with people that got bumped down a few notches during the other parts of life. I need to remember to be happy. My new life is happening and just like before, this will not be my last life. My life will change again. I need to remember that change can be good. For the first time in almost 4 years, I have consisten time to myself. I spent the day at the lake with friends today. It was fun but it felt so strange. I am not used to daytime, not working and not having her with me. I am looking forward to this new life becoming a routine. I am looking forward to all of us adjusting to the new life. I am looking forward to not sitting at home at night with my heart breaking because I will be used to my girl sleeping away from me. When I started writing this, I was thinking that I was going to be looking forward to not counting every minute of my life as part of how it relates to my child. I don't think that will ever happen. I am counting the moments until my girl starts her first day of daycare. I am counting the time until I get to leave work tomorrow and pick her up. The moments until I get to tuck her in and give her a kiss and hug good night. The moment my heart is at home with me. This new life almost makes me understand why my mom slept on the couch until I got home. There is just peace knowing your child is home with you.
Welcome to my new life.
1 comment:
I am not sure how I missed this post, but what a great one. I think it would be cool & interesting if you did an update and share how you guys have adjusted to your new life. :)
Of course you also gave a great rendition of that ugly waiting. I don't know if I have ever shared this, but while I am not glad you had to endure that journey, I am glad that that you understand where I have been and that you have been so supportive. Thank you.. Hugs from Iowa!
Post a Comment